


"Your Dying... But I love you..."

by Whoufflefan97



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M, au school
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-05 12:36:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5375411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whoufflefan97/pseuds/Whoufflefan97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clara Oswald is an Average 15 year old girl who gets diagnosed with Cancer. She makes the traumatic move from Blackpool to London where she has to build her life again (Literally) as she struggles with Cancer and making friends.</p>
<p>Clara meets her best friends Amy Pond and Lilly James but when she meets Popular guy John Smith... Will everything become too much? Will she change? Will she survive?</p>
<p>Will moving to London change her and her family life forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - "The Hardest Day..."

Clara's PoV

I'd like to say that the hardest day of my life was the day I was diagnosed with lung cancer. But things only really got worse from that day. I was 15 when they told me. Well 15 years and 10 months. Just before The summer I was diagnosed.

The treatment was due to begin in September.

But I had to start a new school before then. Why? Well because in order to get the best treatment, we had to move from Blackpool to London in order to go to the best hospital for chemotherapy. My symptoms were already bad enough, without having nerves to contend with as well.

'Dad I'm going to be fine' I said trying my hardest to hide a cough in order to make a point.

'If you need to come home, I'll come and get you' he said.

I can't say that I'm very close with my Dad. He just doesn't take illness very well, at the best of times. Let alone when it's life threatening.

I jumped out the car and slipped my jumper over my head and rolled up my skirt so it was a better length then headed to the office.

The school is aware of my situation, which is why I'll get nothing but pitying looks for the rest of my school time. Mum and Dad had offered to home school me, but I really want to get my GCSEs properly, no matter what anyone says to me.

'Hi deer. Can I help you?' A woman with glasses stuck to the tip of her nose asked.

'Yeah. I'm Clara Oswald. I'm new. Just need my timetable' I said.

I watched as she typed in my name and then the pity look came. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but I just can't take the fact that I'm something to be pitied or stared at.

'I'll take you to your form room' she said. 'Normally I wouldn't but just for you' she said and winked.

I sighed internally.

This is why I hadn't come right out and told anyone. I don't want the special treatment. But unfortunately the school had to know, because of tests and pre op appointments and things. Plus the chemo is going to be awful.

'Hi Mr Joan. This is Clara Oswald. Your new Year 11 student. Clara, this is your form room and form teacher' she said leaving the room.

There was no one here yet so I just looked around the room.

'Take a seat wherever you like. There's no plan' he said.

So I sat at the table one from the back in the corner. He looked at me as I sat down.

'If you need anything or need a chat... Let me know' he said.

Presumably he's aware of the situation as well then. I placed my head in my hand and began drawing in my sketch book.

 

 

The bell went at nine o clock, where people started to file into the room.

Two girls sat in front of me.

They looked over briefly and I could hear them whispering in front of me. 'Are you new?' The blonde girl asked.

'Yeah. Clara. Clara Oswald' I said to her and she smiled analysing all my features.

'I'm Lilly and this is Amy. You look pretty and nice so stick with us' she said.

I was confused but didn't question it. If I was going to make it a good year, I would need someone to talk to.

'Hey babe' a brown haired boy said to Lilly as he came in the room. She jumped up and ran to his arms. 'Well hello to you too' he smirked and he sat behind me.

With his friend, that had followed in.

'Guys, this is Clara. She's with us' Lilly informed them.

'Nice to meet you Clara. I'm Richard and this is John' he said. He waved but didn't say anything.

5 minutes later and he left the room.

'What's up with him?' Amy asked grunting.

'Nothing. He's just being a right miserable bastard today' Richard joked.

 

'So Clara why did you choose to start a new school?' Amy asked.

'Well we had to move from Blackpool to London' I said hiding the truth but telling the truth at the same time.

'Oh that sucks. London is quite a way from Blackpool' Lilly said and Amy smirked.

'I thought you were good at Geography?' She said.

'I'm okay at it' she argued.

'Blackpool is only two hours away from here, three at the most' Amy laughed because Lilly had made it sound like it was a different continent.

'Well.' Lilly said embarrassed and moved quickly on. 'Popularity is everything here Clara. If you stick with us. You'll be alright, if you don't though. Your screwed. Your choice though' she said. I smiled up at her and Lilly looked at my timetable. 'You've got English... And it looks like your with me. Come on' she said standing up.

I followed her down the long corridor not realising just how long it is. We approached a classroom. 'There's a spare seat next to me. Sit' she said.

I did exactly as she said, because then at least I'd have someone I know to talk too.

'Morning everyone. Let's get on with it then. Tennyson' she said and handed me an exercise book and the book of poems.

I was quite excited about this because a) poetry is my favourite and b) I did Tennyson poetry last year.

'Everyone annotate the first poem in the book. The Outcast' she said. I looked over at Lilly who looked bored out of her mind, and it's only been 4 minutes of the lesson. I put my head down and got on with it. One tactical advantage is that I know these poems inside out.

'I hate poetry' Lilly complained.

'Really? I rather enjoy it myself' I said smiling.

 

 

'Right John. What have you got?' Miss Silver asked the boy at the back. Everyone turned to look at the brown haired boy with a bow tie to see what he had to say.

'Oh it's written in iambic tetrameter' he said but that wasn't right.

'And how do you know that Mr Smith?' She asked taking his word.

'It's got 10 syllables' he said but I had to intervene.

Everyone in the class looked like they believed him.

'Umm actually... Miss?' I said raising my hand, trying not to look too over keen.

'Yes. Sorry what's your name?' She asked politely.

'Clara. That's a trick. Each line actually has 8 syllables so it's just pentameter' I said and she looked at me.

'No. No' she said looking down at her notes and counted the syllables. 'Actually your right. It is Pentameter' she said. I slumped further in my chair so I couldn't be seen.

Lilly just kept looking over to my notes after that. 'How do you know all this?' She asked.

'I did Tennyson last year. Actually it's good I'm doing it again this year. Less revision. Less for me to worry about' I said, which for me is good. The less, the better.

"You coming for Lunch?' She asked.

'Umm yeah where's the canteen?' I asked. She showed me there and I sat with her and a few of her friends before going to PE with them.

 

I went into the changing room with them, put my bag down and grabbed my book.

'You not getting changed?' Amy asked confused.

'Umm. No' I said and left the changing room.

'Sorry you don't look ready for PE' a teacher said. Mr Finn his name is.

'I'm Clara Oswald. I can't do PE, I'm pretty sure you should know' I said rolling my eyes and he nodded like something clicked. I watched as he checked the board. Great there's a picture of me on the board. He nodded. 'You can stay and watch on the bench. You got anything to do?' He asked.

I nodded showing him my book in my hand: "Romeo and Juliet" and sat on the bench at the side of the hall.

I was slightly relieved that I can't do PE. They were playing basketball, of which I'm rubbish at. I have no hand eye co ordination at all.

Though it turns out when they play basketball, the boys come inside and play too. I kept looking over my book occasionally at everyone playing, just curiously really to see who was winning.

_'What do you thinks up with her?' John asked Richard._

_'I dunno. She looked normal as such in form. She was chatting so she can't be injured' Richard said. John is rubbish at basketball and almost always gets made too sit on the bench._

_He wanted to approach this girl._

_He wanted to see what was up with her, but he was distracted by Richard throwing the basketball at his head._

_'Earth to John, stop staring at the girl' Richard scolded._

_'You can talk. Have you seen you and Lilly play tonsil tennis?' John grunted and picked the ball up._

_'No. Because I can't kiss her and watch at the same time' Richard pointed out. '_

_What was her name?' John asked. 'Dude. She did say' Richard said and John stared._

_'Clara. Clara Oswald I think' Richard said and John nodded having taken it in._

_He would talk to her after PE_.

 

'You okay Clara?' Lilly asked after when they were getting changed.

I sat on the bench in the changing room reading. 'Yeah why?' I said looking up from my book.

'You didn't do PE' she said. I smiled.

'I can't. Medical reasons' I said. Again not technically a lie but scooting around the truth. She looked confused but again she didn't push me any further on it... Which I was glad about because I barely know the girl.

 

My last lesson was Biology which no one was in. Amy and Lilly do Chemistry instead. But when I went in I saw Richard. He waved and ushered me to sit on his table.

'Hey Oswald. Sit. There's a spare seat' he said so I did.

'You do know I have a first name' I said placing my books on the desk.

'Yeah. So does everyone... But I much prefer Oswald.' he said smirking. That's when John came in and sat next to Richard.

'Hey dude. You met Clara earlier' Richard said.

He didn't say much until half way through the lesson. John looked like that had struck some bells and he looked like he was popular.

One of those guys who thinks that there better than everyone else and doesn't want to talk to unpopular people. Popularity baffles me. I don't know why it is that everyone gets caught up in it. I would rather be on my own rather than caring about what everyone else thinks.

All of a sudden, he said something and I realised it was directed at me. 'Why didn't you do PE?' He asked.

I looked up at this guy. He had brown fluffy hair, school uniform but he had a bow tie on.

'I can't. Medical reasons' I said.

They looked at each other but neither pushed me any further on it.

'The tables your on, are your groups for the rest of the year. So get used to each other' Mr Joan said and Richard rolled his eyes.

'Looks like your stuck with me dude' he laughed.

 

I went straight to the bus stop after school and waited for a bus, which it turns out Amy gets.

'So you okay?' She asked.

'Yeah why wouldn't I be?' I questioned.

'First day and everything. New school. Big adjustment' she said.

'I'm okay' I assured her before I got off. I went to my room then and thought about my day. At least I had met a couple of people and made a few new friends.

I had even got Amy and Lilly's number so I was hoping they were going to be friends.

After a while I'll have to tell people what's going on.

But for now.

I don't.


	2. Chapter 2 - “She’s a Mystery...”

Just a quick note - The story is from Clara's PoV and so any paragraphs or chunks of speech in Italics are when Clara isn't around :) 

\- - - 

Chapter 2 - "She's a Mystery..." 

Clara's PoV 

'I don't know what it is about her, but something tells me she's hiding a lot more than she's letting on' John told Richard. 

'I think she's just a girl who's started a new school and wants to get her feet on the ground' he said back. 

'She didn't do PE though' he said wit a aria died eyebrow. 

'Maybe she just made that up. Perhaps she just hates it that much' Richard finished. There was a strange silence between the two of them for a few moments - a silence that doesn't normally happen. 

'I like her' John suddenly piped up. 

'Well talk to her. She could probably do with the friends' Richard said. 

'The only lesson I'm with her alone is... Is Maths' he said. 

'Dude. Don't lead her on' Richard warned. 

'I don't lead anyone on unless I want them and you know that' John spat. 

He's not the type of person to pick random girls, which is why Richard found this odd. 

'I know. It's just she's new and obviously vulnerable - people might think that your intentionally trying to take advantage' Richard said. 

'That's why I'm going to help her out - Be her friend maybe?' John said. 

'Or stay away from her. You know that every girl in the school fancies you. You need to play for time. If you get too close to her - girls will start to hate her' Richard said. 

'But I really like her. I wouldn't just lead her on if I didn't like her. For all we know she won't even like me back' John said. 

Not to honk John's own horn, but he is the most popular guy in school, and people know that... But Clara doesn't. 'There's just something about her. She drew me in, in form. Why do you think I left?' He said. 

'You'd only seen her for 2 minutes' Richard laughed. 

'I know that's just the problem. Honestly I think I might be attracted to her' he said. 

'Listen. Just don't suck her in and then spit her back out again. She's clearly just trying to fit in' Richard said. 

\- - - 

Day 1 had been okay. 

So had the rest of week 1. I had settled in quite well to my surprise and was pretty shocked to say that I have friends. 

Actual friends. 

My Dad didn't believe me but it was true. 

'How many times Dad. I do... I have three good friends' I said when we were in the car Monday morning. 

I wasn't going to school however, we were going to the hospital. 

'Would you leave her alone Dave. She's clearly happy' my Mum scolded. 

I sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever, and then afterwards had to have loads of tests. 

'I hate tests' I complained. 'I hate blood tests' I complained again. 

'I know. But it's for the best' my Mum assured me stroking my arm. 

I didn't feel up for going into school that afternoon so decided to stay home. 

I didn't think anyone would have noticed my absence too much from Monday seeing as I had only been at the school for a week. 

But people had. 

\- - - 

'Where's Clara?' John asked from the other side of the table. He was staring at Clara's seat wondering. 

'I don't know. Maybe she's just sick today' Richard said. 

'Mmm' John responded quietly. There was something about Clara that he can't quite put his finger on. 'Sick on the second week? Do you think she hates it that much?' 

'Why don't you just ask her out. It can be totally innocent?' Richard questioned. 

'No. I have to play it down. What you said was right. I'll just have to make friends with her first' he said. 

John had only known Clara for 5 days and already he felt like he could tell her anything. 

They had, had all of two conversations and he was already hooked with her. 

\- - - 

'Clara Oswald' John said to me when he sat down next to me Tuesday morning in Maths. 

I didn't even know he would have remembered my name. He had never made the effort to sit next to me before in Maths. 

He always sits on his own and I thought that was fine. I quite enjoy sitting on my own personally. 

'Where were you yesterday?' He asked. 

'I was busy' I said keeping my head down low. I don't like to be so mysterious, but I can't just come out with it to him or anyone at that matter. 

'Are you busy tonight?' He asked when I was chewing my pen. Pretending too take notes. 'The answers 10x squared to that question' he said looking over my shoulder. 

'Nothing tonight. Why?' I asked scribbling what he said down and he smiled. 

'Meet me at the bus stop after school' he said standing. 

'Where are you going?' 

'To my next lesson' he said and I realised I had been so wrapped up in hearing what he had to say, that the lesson had ended. 

\- - - 

I was really shocked when he did indeed meet me at the bus stop. 

I walked towards him and he smiled. 

'Ready?'

'Yeah. I guess' I said smiling back. 'Where are we going?' I asked when we reached a park. 

'The park obviously' he said and pointed at the roundabout. 

'You are 15 right?' I questioned as he jumped excitedly on the roundabout. He looked like he was about 7 years old all of a sudden. 

'Yes. How about you?' He said sarcastically. 

'15' I responded. 

'So what's the problem then?' He questioned and sat on the roundabout. 

I followed dumping my bag on the ground and sat the opposite side. 

'Just you. You look like your having fun, like a child' I said grinning. 

'So Clara Oswald. Tell me something about yourself' he said. 

'Your not going to call me "Oswald" like Richard are you?' I asked. 

'No. Just the last name for clarification. Clara's cuter' he said and I blushed inside. 

'What do you mean?' I asked. 

'You know. Favourite stuff, favourite thing to do - You get the picture' he said motioning his wrist for me to carry on. 

'Okay. Well it sounds stupid but I love drawing' I said. I wasn't sure why he was even talking to me. 

He seemed so sure of himself. 

'Whys that stupid? I love astronomy' he admitted. 

'I dunno. It's just people find me weird' I admitted. 

'Was that at your old school?' He asked. 

'Yeah... Something like that' I said jumping off and heading for the swings. 

'Favourite subject?' He asked.

'Psychology. I want to go into child psychology' I said. 

'Wow. 15 and life goals already' he said but the truth is when you get given a potential death sentence, you have to have hope and dreams. 

'Tell me something else' he said. 

'Like?' I questioned looking for some help. He seemed to be taking a keen interest in my life. I didn't know why. My life isn't that exciting. 

'Like... What's your favourite book?' He asked. It seemed like a pretty innocent question but for a popular guy seemed a bit odd. Why would he like books? Or even be interested in books. 

'I love reading and books' I said and he smiled. 

'So how are you liking Wuthering Heights?' He asked suddenly. 

'How did you know that's what I'm reading?' I questioned. 'Well I watched you walk home the other day. Most new girls follow the popular kids around, try and make new friends, get in with the popular crowed, but you... You would rather be alone' 

'It's kind of how it's always been' I said and thought about something else. 'Have you read it?' I asked then wondering. 

'Read what?' 

'Wuthering Heights?' I asked. 

'Yes. I like the mystery of the gothic realism with the psychological mystery and fascinating enigma involved. Plus... Victorian Literature really is the best' he said. 

I did not expect that from him so my mouth practically gaped - Literally wide open. 

'What?' He asked when he noticed me analysing him. 

'Nothing' I said looking away embarrassed that he noticed my awkwardness. 

'Not the kind of popular guy you thought I am? Let me tell you, I've read all sorts of books. If your really into literature... You'll know them' he said continuing to swing back and forth. 

'Go on then' I dared with a grin. 

'Well Wuthering heights is a Bronte sisters Classic of the Victorian Era, but so was Jane Eyre. Then there's Shakespeare of the Elizabethan Period, but there's something about the Post Modern era that can be genuinely fascinating. But... I do love a good play. Their great to see' he said and my mouth dropped once again and he smirked jumping to the top of the slide. 'Didn't expect that did you?' He smirked. 

'What ones your favourite?' I asked a small hint of happiness that he wasn't at all what I thought. To be honest... I had really judged him. 

'Macbeth. I love how it's a tragedy about a child gone wrong, and how the pair of them are crazy' he said. 'You?' 

'Romeo and Juliet'

'Your not into the whole soppy love story are you?' He said sighing, rolling his eyes. 

'No. Quite the opposite. Romeo was a selfish man who only thought of himself. He killed himself to be with her instead of thinking about the consequences. If he had waited and thought about others he would have realised that Juliet wasn't actually dead. Thus she wouldn't have killed herself' I said. 'They were both stupid really' I confirmed. He was staring at me with a twinkle to his eye. 

'You make a fair point Clara' he said totally mesmerised with the conversation. 

\- - - 

'I need to go' I said after half an hour. 

'Why?' 

'Well, it sounds pathetic but I've got to walk my Dog. Kind of the condition of getting and keeping it' I said. 

'Can I come?' He asked. 

'I don't really know the area, so sure' I said picking up my bag and leading the way to my house. 'What about you? What's your favourite subject?' I questioned looking for something to say.

'Physics. I want to go into astronomy, as part of my Parents company' he said. 

'Oh cool what do your parents do?' I asked and he stayed silent. 

'Science' was all he said and shrugged it off back onto me. 'So how are you liking Oakwood?' He asked. 

'It's better than my old school. But anywhere would be' I said not reiterating my past which was truly awful and he didn't question me or push me any further on it. 

I unlocked the front door and Snuffles came running towards me. 

'Hello' I said in that weird voice that people get when talking to animals. It sounds ridiculous but Snuffles is literally my best friend. 

He sleeps on the floor next to my bed and looks after me when we go out on walks. 

Snuffles is a pure black Labrador and the friendliest dog you'll ever meet. 

'This is Snuffles' I said to him and Snuffles went straight at him. 

John crouched down and stroked Snuffles and Snuffles seemed to like him. 

'That's an honour' I joked. 

'He hates people. Especially new people' I laughed. I grabbed the lead and harness connecting it all together on him and got my front door key. 

'Where are your Parents?' He asked when we left. 

'At work' I sighed. If only that were true. They were actually at a meeting with my consultant that I wasn't invited to so they could talk about what comes next in my treatment and when they can start the chemotherapy. 

I wanted to mention it, but I don't want to be a burden. Plus I've only just met the guy. 

'There's a field up there. Wanna go up?' He asked and I looked up at the hill. There's no way I was going to make it up that. 

'Is there a field that doesn't involve a hill?' I asked. Makes me seem really lazy but my lungs are fucked at the moment.

'Yeah there's a small one round the back' he said pointing. I sighed in relief and followed him round. 

When we got round there, I threw a stick and let Snuffles off - to which he chased after it. 

'That dogs awesome!' He said and I smiled. 'He only listens to me. He hates everyone. I'm dead serious because he hates my Dad' I said laughing. 

'How comes?' He questioned on the way back to my house. 

'Dunno. My Dad just never really liked him' I said giggling at the thought. 

\- - - 

'So I'll see you tomorrow then Clara?' He asked and I nodded. 

'See you tomorrow' I said biting my lip and went to shut the front door but he put his foot there. 

'Wait. Can I have your number?' He asked casually and I nodded when he handed me his phone suddenly. I handed him mine and he smiled. 'What shall I save me as?' He asked and I shrugged my shoulders. 

'I can think of many funny nicknames, but perhaps John would be best' I smirked. 'Although, "The Chin" might work. 

'Oi. What's wrong with my chin?' He complained smirking. 

'Mmm. It's alright' I said. I was amazed that he had spoken to me, let alone walked around the block with me and then he asked me for my number. 

I've never been asked for my number... Especially from a boy. This was crazy. 

I waited for my Mum and Dad to get back and they sat with me. 

'They want to start treatment in two weeks time. The chemo therapy will be twice a week for 6 weeks, then an operation, and then 8 more weeks of therapy' she told me. 

I didn't like the sound of it so ran straight upstairs to me on my own. 

Mum called me down to dinner when my Dad went to see Gran that evening. 

'So how's the school?' My Mum asked and I shrugged my shoulders, glancing at my mobile. 

'You waiting for a text?' Mum said smiling. 

'No not really' I said and she laughed. 

'Clara. That's the 5th time you've checked your phone since you sat at the table.' She said. 'It's okay Clara. I believe you. You have friends' she grinned. 

'No. I gave my number to John today and I thought he might text' I said. 

'John? The mystery boy who walked away?' She asked confused. 

'Did I just say that out loud?' I asked mortified. 'It's alright Clara, you can have a crush' she said.


	3. Chapter 3 - “From Bad to worse...”

Chapter 3 - "From bad to Worse..." 

Clara's PoV 

'Where is she? She said she'd be in today?' John asked on Friday. 

It was only the fourth week of her being here and she's already skipping days. She wasn't in on Tuesday either and it made John seriously wonder what's going on. 

'I don't know dude. But she didn't look well yesterday. Did you see how tired she looked? And pale?' Richard asked. 

'I could go and see her' John said. 

'No. If she wanted to see you she would have asked' Richard said. 

'She doesn't even have my number dude. I got hers but she doesn't have mine' he said. 

'Well text her. Then she'll get your number' Richard said making a good point. Go on' Richard laughed. 

'What do I say?' John asked looking for help. 

J: "Hey Clara. It's John. Noticed you wasn't in. Wondered if your okay?"  
C: "I'm fine really. Thanks though x"  
J: ":)"

'Seriously dude? An emoji?'

\- - - 

Week 1 chemo session number two. 

'I'm Louise Clara. I'm going to be your nurse from now on is that okay?' She asked. 

I had only been at Oakwood for 4 weeks and I was already having two days a week off. The school don't seem to mind in fact there being really good about it, but I don't like missing out on the lessons. 

And I've become really good friends with Lilly meaning I need to tell her at some point soon about my impending death. 

I didn't really want to talk about it, because if I talk about it it makes things seem more real. 

Louise inserted a drip into my inner elbow which I was squeamish about because I don't like the needles, but then there's and IV in my hand that I've decided to wrap a bandage around to hide carefully. 

It was just that I have funny veins so they can't actually find them in my hand very well, which is why I'll have to suffer with keeping the IV in all the time. I wasn't at all up for doing anything after the chemo, because it makes me feel so ill. 

So I went to bed. 

\- - - 

When I awoke Friday evening my Mum came in. 

'Hey sweetie. How you feeling?' She asked calmly. 

'Shit why?' I said and she looked at me. 

'I know your ill and I sympathise - but please mind your language' she said sternly. 

'Sorry' I mumbled. 

'I've got a couple of messages for you' she said. 

'From?' 

'Umm a boy with brown floppy hair... John I think his name was wanted to know how you are. In fact he hasn't left the phone alone all day and a girl called Lilly wants to see you' my Mum said. 

'He rang me 12 times?' I gasped jumping, and didn't obviously hide my excitement. 

'Did Clara Oswald just get excited over a boy?' My Mum joked. 

'No' I said way to quickly so she smiled. 

'It's okay to like a boy Clara. I've told  
You... It's a pretty natural thing' she smirked. 

'What was you saying about Lilly?' I asked trying to divert attention from this. 

'She's coming back in half an hour because I think you should tell her' my Mum said and I knew she was right. 

'But I've only known her for 4 weeks. It's not fair - on me or her' I said. 

'I know. But such is life Clara' she assured me. It was a good idea of hers actually. 

The best she could have thought of. 

'Hey Lil' I said when she turned up. 

'Hey Clara what's all this about?' She asked sitting on my bed. 'Are you okay? You wasn't in today' she asked. 'In fact you've had loads of days off lately?' 

'I want to say I'm fine but I'm really not' I said and she cocked her head confused. 

'Lil. I really like you as a friend but I need to tell you something' I said and looked down. She pulled herself onto the bed properly and crossed her legs. 

'Go ahead' 

'It's not easy' I said and she smiled for me to go on. 'Okay... So the reason I have a lot of time off is because I have Cancer. The main reason why we moved from Blackpool to London' I said. 

She looked stunned but didn't leave or anything. 

'Oh my god Clara. I'm so sorry' she said. 

'Please don't with the pitying look Lil. I can't stand all the attention' I said. 

'Oh Clara. Come here' she said and embraced me into a tight hug. I was so happy. 

Mum let her stay the night and I was so excited. Lilly was even comforting when I threw up Friday night. 

\- - - 

It was Sunday when my life went down hill and changed for ever. 

If it was bad enough that I was dying. It was even worse having to die alone. Having to die when the one person you want there for you is no longer around. 

I didn't go to school Monday and still had to go for chemo on Tuesday so it was awkward by the time I went back to school Wednesday. 

If it was bad enough that people were pitying me already - now I'm the sick girl without a Mum. 

I went straight to Maths and sat down silently, looking away from everyone. 

I didn't want to talk to anyone at all. 

'Hey Clara your back' Lilly squeaked sitting next to me. She knows I'm ill but she doesn't know about my Mum, or what has just happened. Everything was fine when Lilly left my house on Saturday afternoon, and then Sunday it happened. 

'Are you okay?' Lilly asked placing a hand on my shoulder to which I shrugged off, and put my head in my hands. 

I just opened up my Tennyson book and tried so hard to annotate the poem but my eyes kept watering up, tears threatening to spill.

'Miss James what are you doing?' Miss Silver demanded and Lilly looked up. 

'Oops' she said handing her phone to the teacher. She was only going to text Amy and see if she knew what was wrong with Clara. 

'Can I see your notes Miss James?' Miss silver said so Lilly handed them to her. 

She wasn't worried about herself through. She was worried about Clara who had her head on the table. 

'As I thought. Hurry up and annotate Miss James' she said and Lilly stood up worried about Clara but Miss Silver much to Lilly's surprise ignored Clara and went back to the front desk. 

'Sit down' she snapped. 

\- - - 

I so badly wanted to leave the room, so in the end, I jumped up and left. 

I didn't know what to do or where to go, but I was frightened and was on the verge of a coughing fit, so headed towards the science block. I knew I had double biology next, so I went straight there. 

I knocked on the door of my form tutors room. 

'Clara what can I do for you?' He asked nervously. But I think he had a pretty good idea. 

'You said if I ever needed a chat to come and see you' I said with a quivered lip on the verge of falling apart. 

He came to the door and told me to come in. I went straight to the table at the front, sat down and stared at the wall trying not to let the tears spill. 

I already looked a mess, red rings around my eyes, tear stains down my cheeks. To which I started having a coughing fit. I wheezed pretty much uncontrollably and he looked really worried. 

'I'm fine' I croaked. 

'Are you sure. I can cal--' I cut him off because I'm sick of the sympathy. Yes I'm ill but I'm not going to collapse. 

'It's just the crying, it clogs up my chest but I'm fine' I said with my hand over mouth. 

I leant down to my school bag quickly and pulled the boxes out. 

'Do you need some water?' He asked and I nodded. I swallowed the two tablets that would hopefully make an improvement. 'Shouldn't you be at home taking it easy?' He asked me. 

'If I think anymore I'm going to explode. Either that or just scream' I said. 'Can I please stay here for a bit?' I begged. He told me to sit and crouched down in front of the desk. 

'Did you get any sleep at all last night or over the last couple of days?' He asked me and I shrugged my shoulders. 

'Is it that obvious?' 

'No' he responded chuckling a bit. 

'It's hard to sleep enough when your sick. Most nights I can't breathe as it is, but last night I just felt choked' I admitted and he looked nervous. 'When your Mum dies too...' I said trailing off and the tears spilled. 

'When was the last time you ate? Surely you should be eating to keep your strength up? Not just in general but because your ill' He then asked me. I shrugged my shoulders completely uninterested. 'You stay here. Don't worry about anything' he said and went to leave the room. 

'Wait. Could you set me something to do please? Even if it's a boring essay... It just takes my mind off of everything' I begged. 

He nodded handing me some notes to make and then left the room. 

\- - -

'Good morning Mr Smith. Your 15 minutes early for our Biology lesson' Mr Joan said to John. 

'I'm more than aware of that. Figured I could do some Physics revision while I wait' he said. John went to walk into the classroom when Mr Ryan's stopped him. 

'You'll have to work in one of the other rooms.' He said to him but it was too late. 

John had already seen Clara and he had seen her crying, so on instinct he went into the classroom and sat opposite her. 

'Clara are you alright?' He asked worried. 

'Mr Smith, you need to leave' Mr Ryan's said.

I had to think long and hard about it but I would rather him be here than be left on my own to cry. 

'No. He's okay sir. He can stay' I said looking up and sniffing. 

I didn't want to be alone any longer and seeing as he's the first person who has offered me comfort... I was going to take it. He didn't know what was going on, or why exactly it was that I was so upset, but his instincts kicked in, and so he waited quietly until I looked up at him. 

He extended his arms out in the idea that I might want a friendly hug.

I really did. 

'Shush' he said consoling me and stroked my head. 

I didn't want to be a burden and if I could have contained the crying for at least a moment - I would have told him to go to lesson - but he didn't move. 

Mr Joan came in and then placed a bacon roll, with chips and a bottle of coke in front of me. 

'Eat it. It will help. I understand how hard it is, but you need to eat and you know that' he said to me and I knew somewhat that he was right. 

I had to eat because the more chemo I have, the worse my eating habits will get and I'll just get more sick. 

I had calmed down a little now, and John was still sitting opposite me at the desk waiting for me to say something. 

I picked at the roll and ate a few chips. 

\- - - 

'So are you okay?' He asked after 20 minutes of dignified silence. 

I assume he was deciding how to approach me. I could also feel that he had eyed up my hand. 'I'm sorry. Every time I start crying - it doesn't seem to stop. I wasn't even sure I had anymore crying in me. But I do' I said with a quivered bottom lip. 

'Why are you sorry for crying?' 

'I don't know. It's just what people say isn't it?' I said back. 

'So are you okay?' He asked and stole a chip. I giggled when he spilt the ketchup down his shirt. 

'My Mum died on Sunday' I said to him and he stopped laughing, while I took a sip of coke, but he almost spat the chip back out when I said it. 

'Clara. I'm so sorry, I didn't know' he said. 

'I know you didn't. That's why I'm telling you' I said to him. 

'Did you stay home the last few days? You wasn't in form and then you didn't come to biology, Maths or English' he said. 

It was funny really because I didn't think anyone would care where I was... Especially him. What does he care? 

'He's right you know Clara, you need to eat' he said and pointed down at the plate, where I had eaten a couple of chips. 

He split the roll in half, giving half to me and eating the other half himself.  
We sat in a deep silence then for a few minutes. 

I was staring so intently at the wall, because I could feel the tears threatening to spill again. I really didn't want them too. 

'You know Clara... Crying does help. You don't have to hold it all in' he said. My lip quivered and I just sniffed. The tears came but in slow paces. I didn't want to fall apart again. 'Hey, hey hey. Shush. It will be okay... In the end' he said moving so he was in the chair next to me. 

'How can it all be okay? She's dead. The only person in he world I trusted and helped me through everything is dead!' I said and cried again. 

'That's not want I mean' he said defensively but I had my head in my hands on the table, crying like an absolute child again. He didn't mean to offend me and I know that, but I just carried on crying. 

He looked at his watch then and I realised that we had been in here for three hours. 

Turns out it was 5 o clock and the school day ended pretty much hours ago. 

'I had better go home. My Dad will be wondering where I am' I said and he nodded picking up my satchel for me. 

I wasn't really sure what my Dad was doing. I think he went to work. He wanted to keep things as somewhat normal as possible. 

\- - - 

'Are you sure you'll be okay?' He asked and I nodded. 

'Thanks for comforting me today' I said. 

'No problem. What are friends for' he said and I smiled on the inside not the outside at this comment. 

I got in. Slammed my bedroom door and I curled up on the bed instinctively then, climbing in it and wallowing until I had to get up and pretend I wanted to go through with everything crap about my day again tomorrow.


End file.
